✨ This Time, I Don’t Have to Perform: A Newlywed Reflection on Safety & Grace

✨ This Time, I Don’t Have to Perform: A Newlywed Reflection on Safety & Grace

Listen… I’m back.

Chile, life has been lifeing and I’s married now, so I figured I should share some of these revelations I’ve been having lately.

God has been dealing with me, healing me, stretching me, and showing me things I didn’t even know I needed to see. So let’s talk about it — because whew… this journey has been something.

I’m not going to lie — becoming a wife again brought up emotions I didn’t expect.

On one hand, I’m in the most beautiful, soul-level connection I’ve ever experienced. On the other hand, there’s this quiet fear underneath… a fear of ever slipping back into the version of myself who had to pretend, overcompensate, or hold everything together just to keep peace that wasn’t real.

And let me be clear: I’m not performing in this marriage at all.

Not one bit.

What I’m feeling isn’t pressure to pretend — it’s the awareness of how deeply I never want to go back to who I had to be before.

I’ve lived through the kind of marriage where you shrink to survive.

Where you mask your hurt, modulate your voice, silence your truth, or carry the whole emotional weight because speaking up might start a war.

Where love feels like a job instead of a covenant.

And honestly, I didn’t realize God was healing me even while I was afraid.

“Perfect love casts out fear.” (1 John 4:18 AMP)

And that’s exactly what this season feels like — God removing the fear of being myself.

So now, in this healed season with a man who loves me correctly, I choose the risk of being honest instead of the safety of pretending.

I choose vulnerability.

I choose truth with my full chest.

I choose to be seen, even when it makes me feel exposed.

I choose transparency instead of walking on eggshells.

Because I promised God — and myself — that I would never again perform my way into love or tiptoe to keep someone calm. NEVER again!

And the beautiful thing is… I don’t have to.

Not here.

Not with this man.

Not in this covenant.

✨ The Healing Work: What It Took to Recover From Performative Love

Healing from a performative marriage wasn’t quick, cute, or comfortable.

It took layers of revelation — truth the Holy Spirit peeled back one season at a time.

Not to shame me… but to free me.

I had to face the parts of myself I’d trained to hide.

The parts that adjusted who I was to avoid conflict.

The parts that became quiet to avoid punishment.

The parts that worked overtime just to maintain “peace” that was actually the absence of truth.

The Holy Spirit showed me where I had created survival versions of myself — versions built on fear of rejection, not identity.

And the hardest part?

He showed me where I lacked courage.

Not because I was weak.

But because I didn’t want to suffer the sting of rejection that sometimes comes with authenticity.

I didn’t want to say the real thing, feel the real thing, or be the real me because I feared I wouldn’t be loved if I did.

But God showed me something deeper:

There were parts of me I couldn’t — and shouldn’t — change.

Not because they were flaws…

but because they were features.

God-designed.

Anointed.

Intentional.

Necessary.

I had to accept that my personality, my emotions, my discernment, my sensitivity, my voice, my intensity — all of it was part of the woman God created.

Not mistakes.

Not “too much.”

Not something to mute.

Something to honor.

Healing meant learning that authenticity may cost people…

but it will never cost me my God-given identity.

As the Holy Spirit worked on me, I started gaining confidence in the areas where fear once ruled.

My voice changed.

My posture changed.

My expectations changed.

And my boundaries became rooted in truth, not fear.

“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32 AMP)

This scripture wasn’t just about salvation — it was about emotional freedom.

The truth set me free to be loved correctly.

The truth set me free to stop performing.

The truth set me free to choose a marriage that matches who I am, not who I used to be.

✨ The Safety I’ve Never Known Before

I feel the safest, most connected, and most authentic I’ve ever felt in my entire life.

Safe in a way that makes me exhale deeply.

Safe in a way that lets me speak freely, love God loudly, and show up in every emotion without fearing abandonment.

This is what God meant when He said:

“He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still and quiet waters.” (Psalm 23:2 AMP)

For the first time, I don’t have to choose between honesty and peace.

I can have both! 

And even when Dex is honest with me — in ways that touch tender places or sting for a moment — I still feel safe.

Because his honesty:

• doesn’t manipulate

• doesn’t belittle

• doesn’t punish

• doesn’t walk away

It respects me.

That moment of hurt is just a moment — not a pattern, not a punishment, not a threat.

The clarity that follows… the transparency… the way he stands in truth even when it’s uncomfortable… that makes me feel valued.

It makes me feel chosen.

It makes me feel protected.

It reminds me of this scripture:

“Better is open reprimand and loving correction than love that is hidden.” (Proverbs 27:5 AMP)

Honesty is not harm — it’s intimacy.

It’s partnership.

It’s growth.

And that’s exactly why I refuse to perform now — because I finally have a marriage where I don’t have to.

✨ Becoming the Wife God Shaped — Not the Wife Fear Created

Marriage has become a mirror.

It shows me where I’ve healed.

It shows me where I’m growing.

And it shows me how deeply God has restored me.

God keeps reminding me:

“My grace is sufficient for you.” (2 Corinthians 12:9 AMP)

I don’t have to be perfect.

I just have to be willing.

I’m not striving to be the “perfect wife” anymore.

I'm not "proving".

I’m choosing to be a present one.

An honest one.

A growing one.

A prayerful one.

A whole one.

Because when love is safe, you don’t have to perform.

You just get to be.

And that — all by itself — is grace.❤️

I’m ending this with one reminder:

You don’t owe anyone a diluted version of yourself.

Not to be loved.

Not to be accepted.

Not to keep peace.

I spent years thinking my honesty, my emotions, and my fullness were too much. But God showed me they were weapons, not weaknesses.

So this is my prayer for every woman reading this:

May you find the courage to stop performing,

the grace to heal,

and the strength to walk boldly in the identity God gave you.

And may you enter every relationship — especially marriage — as your whole, unfiltered, God-designed self.